


Ride or Die

by AudacityOfHuge



Category: Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Canon Continuation, F/F, Post-Canon, Romance, harley and ivy suffer from extreme potty mouth, liberties are taken with respect to what some characters like to do in bed, manic comedy, murder is just another part of life, non-sequiturs galore, there is lots of sex happening but none of it is explicit, various attempts at humor are made with varying degrees of success
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:20:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudacityOfHuge/pseuds/AudacityOfHuge
Summary: Join Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy mere seconds after the end of the season two finale. Our two "heroes" are on the run and cannot stay in Gotham City while the heat is still on them. When a couple of familiar faces show up to disturb their coital bliss, our ladies have to decide who they are, what they want, and how they fit into the grand scheme of things in Gotham City.
Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 16
Kudos: 159





	1. Escaping Gotham City

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> So listen, I'm not going to lie: I am NOT a DC Universe person. I am coming from a position of only knowing Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy from the way they exist in the 2019 cartoon. That being said, I fucking LOVED that cartoon and I thought it was sheer brilliance. So for me, that's the ONLY canon I'm working with. 
> 
> This story is a little something I'm writing for fun, mostly to pass the time. I'm not working super hard on it the way I usually do, which basically means I'm not aggressively proof-reading it at every available opportunity. I apologize in advance for any errors I made.
> 
> Fair warning: There's some crassness and there's lots of cussing. And there's also gonna be some violence. It wouldn't be "Harley Quinn" without those things, right?!
> 
> Let's go!

It was like a Hollywood movie, thought Harley. The hero gets the girl and they ride off into the sunset together.

Except in most movies, of course, the heroes weren’t being hotly pursued by the entire Gotham City Police Department. But hey, close enough, right? Harley certainly wasn't complaining.

“Harley Quinn! Pull over immediately!” Commissioner Gordon was using his most authoritative voice over the loudspeaker of the police car at the front of the pack. “Surrender before my god complex!” he added ominously.

“That’s… Oddly self-aware of him,” mused Ivy, brushing her windswept hair away from her face with one hand. The other hand was still resting where it had been when they were kissing earlier -- Harley’s upper thigh. 

“He's right, though. We do need to pull over,” said Harley gravely.

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m basically gonna lose my mind if I don’t fuck you some time in the next ten minutes or so.”

“Oh,” said Ivy, flattered. “Okay, well, head towards that river.”

Harley had absolutely no idea why driving a decidedly non-aquatic car directly towards a rushing river made out of water would correlate in Ivy’s mind to a solution to their problem, and to be perfectly honest she didn’t much care. She knew Ivy well enough to know that she had a plan, and she completely trusted that the plan would work. With a sudden jerk of the steering wheel, she made a turn at such a sharp angle that the outside wheels of the car came off the road, throwing Ivy against Harley as though her body was a projectile weapon. Far from being injured, Harley grit her teeth against another influx of arousal, her mind a wash of words like _soft_ and _boobs_ and _pussy_ and _Ivy told me that she loves me twice in ten seconds_.

A bridge made of vines sprung into existence as they neared the riverbed, and Harley did not let up on the gas for one single second as she drove the car onto it. As soon as the vines had reached the opposite bank, they retreated from the one they had just left, causing two pursuing police cars to fly right off into the river with a terrific splash. Harley let out a whoop of triumph. “Nice one, Ive,” she said. “Now where?”

“There,” said Ivy, pointing to a forested area on the outskirts of Gotham. 

The car bounced and rattled as they crashed into the foliage, Ivy holding her hands out to clear most of the plant-life out of their path without harming them. They went through a bird’s nest and some eggs smashed over what was left of their shattered windshield. “Yikes,” said Harley as she activated the windshield wipers, which got snagged on the jagged glass and caused even more damage. “Sorry, mama bird.”

“Don’t worry, those birds are assholes. They eat seeds before they get a chance to sprout and they shit all over the forest,” said Ivy. “This should be good enough for now.” With her right hand she raised trees all around them to encase them in relative privacy, and simultaneously with her left hand she grabbed the front of Harley’s bridesmaid dress and tugged her mercilessly into a kiss. “Fuck, I fucking love you so much, Harls,” she said, her voice muffled against Harley’s lips.

“Fuffing fffvve ffoo foo,” was the delightfully smothered response. They had the wherewithal to tumble into the back seat in a mess of tangled limbs before such logistics became an impossibility.

And that was when they had sex for the first time sober. It was sloppy and frantic and awkward in the back seat of the car, but it was every bit as amazing as it had been the first two times.

They could hear the distant sounds of the search going on around them, but they weren’t particularly concerned about being caught. Ivy had changed a lot of the layout of the forest, making it highly unlikely that anyone would happen upon their little hiding spot. And even if they did, there was ample plant-life around for Ivy to be able to fuck someone up pretty good. This was essentially her home turf.

Only once they were certain the searching had ended did Harley finally pull herself away from Ivy and force herself to return to the front seat of the car. “We need to find somewhere to lay down,” she said as she put the keys in the ignition, trying not to notice the nude Ivy sitting up in the back seat. 

“You mean lay _low_?”

“No, I mean we need to find a bed because if we have sex for twelve hours in the back seat of this convertible we’re gonna regret it when our backs kill in the morning.”

“True,” said Ivy as she put her bra back on. “You should probably check on your crew, too.”

“Already thought of that,” said Harley. “I don't want to text them in case they've been caught and the police have their phones. The safest thing would be to leave a message for them letting them know we’re okay and that we’re going to hole up for a while until the heat dies down.”

Having slipped back into her wedding dress but deciding to leave it unzipped (it was only going to come off again later), Ivy climbed back into the front to sit beside Harley. “And how are you going to do that? Gordon’s probably got every cop in the city looking for us. They’ll be watching Clayface and King Shark even if they haven't actually been caught.”

A wicked grin stretched over Harley’s lips. “I got a plan. Gimme a rose, willya?”

Ivy snorted as she reached over the side of the car and made a rose bloom on a nearby bush. She plucked it out and handed it to Harley. “I don’t really think women are supposed to _ask_ their romantic partners for flowers. I think it’s supposed to be some kind of unprompted gesture.”

“Well who’s fault is it that I had to ask? You should have known I wanted a rose.”

“How could I have known that?”

The drive out of the forest was done in a far more leisurely fashion, and soon enough they were cruising the streets of Gotham City, keeping a wary eye out for police. It was full dark now, but not quite late enough for their beaten-up and bullet-riddled car to draw any suspicion. It also didn’t hurt that the city was still in shambles thanks to the Parademons--in fact by Gotham’s current standards, their car was downright pristine.

Harley pulled the car to a stop along the curb at the end of the block where her shopping mall hideout stood. Parked in the lot were no less than five police cars, and there were at least twice that many officers milling around the building. Clearly, they were waiting for Harley and Ivy to return. 

“Alright,” said Harley, businesslike and focused. “You wait here. I’m gonna sneak up to the roof and get in that way. I’ll snatch some of our shit and bring it down, and then we can skip town for a little while.”

“Can you grab my phone charger? I left it there the other day. Oh, and the baby carrots. There’s a whole new bag in the fridge and I really don’t want to let them go to waste. And grab some tampons, too. Wanted criminals can’t exactly go to a store to pick some up and I’m supposed to start my period next Wednesday.”

“No shit! Me too!” said Harley excitedly. “God, we’re so in sync.” She leaned forward and pecked Ivy lightly on the lips. “Be right back.”

“Be careful,” said Ivy.

Harley waved the comment away. “No biggie. Text me if you think of anything else.” Then she was out of the car and jogging across the street, making a wide circle that would lead around to the back of the abandoned shopping mall she called home.

For an accomplished acrobat like Harley Quinn, it was laughably easy to sneak into the mall. In no time at all she had scaled the building and reached the roof, and then it was a simple matter of creeping down the stairwell into the three-floored main atrium of the mall. There were six police officers milling around in the common area on the bottom floor, and Harley bristled to see them so brazenly inviting themselves to sit on _her_ furniture and drink _her_ tequila and watch _her_ TV. She was up on the third floor, and for one crazy moment she thought of dropping down on them from above and taking them all out. It would be easy -- as easy as sneaking in had been.

She had swung one leg over the banister before she caught herself. _That is exactly the kind of thing that Ivy is trying to get you to stop doing, Harley_ , said the rational part of her brain. With a regretful sigh, she swung her leg back over and resigned herself to a boring mission involving no smashing of skulls with a baseball bat. _But this way you’ll get to smash Ivy, possibly for many years if you don’t fuck it up by doing stupid shit like that,_ her mind consoled itself. 

“Fair trade,” she murmured quietly, and on silent feet she headed towards her room to pack a bag.

There was a cop in her room. He was large, and he was rummaging through her underwear drawer. As she silently watched him from the doorway, he took out a pair, held it to his face, and inhaled deeply.

Harley was so revolted that for a second she was paralyzed. Then the revulsion mutated into rage and movement became an incredibly appealing option again. While she was trying to decide how she wanted to kill him, her phone chimed to alert her to an incoming text message. _Shit, I forgot to put it on silent!_

The cop jerked in surprise and whirled around. He had the briefest flash of colorful pigtails before Harley headbutted him so hard that three of his teeth were knocked out. Then everything was darkness as he sank to the floor, bloody and unconscious. “Pervert,” muttered Harley as she pulled out her phone. 

“Grab your air plant. It will die if you leave it,” read the text from Ivy.

“Any other plants in mortal peril?” Harley wrote back as she moved to the window and picked up the small soil-free plant that Ivy had given her for her birthday last year. She carefully wrapped it in a pair of red and black stockings and tucked it safely away in a side pocket of her duffel bag.

“Everything else can go weeks without watering," Ivy replied. "You know I only give you low-maintenance plants because you forget about them and kill them.”

“Hey, not everyone can have a green thumb, much less a green everything else.”

Harley made quick work of the rest of the packing. Over the years Ivy had left many items of clothing at her place, and she made sure to pack them along with her own clothes and belongings. Then she pulled out the rose that Ivy had procured in the forest. She sat down at her bureau and set to work painting half the rose with quick-dry black nail polish. Once it was dry, she went out into the main area again and dangled upside down from the railing on the second floor so she could place the flower on top of the clock on the wall. None of the cops would notice it there, but she believed her crew would. Whenever they were able to come back to the hideout, they would know to be on the look-out for a sign that she and Ivy were okay.

With all her tasks accomplished, she went back into her bedroom and dragged the knocked-out police officer out of her room by his ankles, dropping him unceremoniously in the middle of the hallway. She considered kicking him in the nuts for good measure, but decided it would be too risky with all the cops on the floor below her. So she simply picked up her bag of belongings and headed back up to the roof, and five minutes later she and Ivy were on the road again, Gotham City growing smaller in the rear-view mirror behind them.

A light at the corner of her eye made Harley look over to find Ivy doing something with her phone. After a moment she set the phone up on the dashboard, displayed so that Harley could see it. It was running a GPS app, and the destination it was taking them to was about twenty miles south.

“Where are we going?” Harley asked as she moved to the right lane to follow the directions to an upcoming freeway exit.

“I was reading the news the other day and I saw this article that said the CEO of Gotham Gas & Electric, this dude named Reginald Turner, doesn’t believe in climate change. It made me remember that a few months ago I’d seen a picture of his brand new summer beach house in _Good Homemaking_ and thought it was stunning.”

“Ooh, I get it,” said Harley. “You found a place for us to hide out.”

“Plus, bonus murder of a piece of shit energy executive. It’s a win for us _and_ a win for the environment.”

“Win/win,” agreed Harley, nodding along. “Totally.”

“It was Catwoman’s idea,” said Ivy. “I liked it when she said it, but I haven’t had a chance to use it before now.”

And so it was that a short time later, they knocked on the door of the largest and most beautiful beach house that Harley had ever seen. “You have great taste, Ive. I couldn’t have picked out a better place myself.”

When the door opened to reveal Reginald Turner, he went pale at the sight of the two women standing there. “Y-y-you’re Poison Ivy, aren’t you?” he stammered. He had heard tales around the boardroom of the green woman who sometimes came to punish anyone who polluted the environment, and the company of which he was CEO definitely did that. His workplace associates called her an eco-terrorist and a witch and a bitch and even that unspeakable C-word that had effectively ended Dr. Psycho’s solo career until very recently. Reginald had always considered Poison Ivy as something of an urban legend, but right at this very second he learned how completely wrong he had been. She was real. She was very, very real.

“Oh, good, you already know why I’m here. Mind if we come in?” With a negligent wave of her hand, Ivy used a nearby potted plant to wrap Reginald up in some vines, and she and Harley entered the house. Harley dropped her bag on the floor and headed for the kitchen.

“Got any wine, Reggie?” she asked over her shoulder.

“Y-y-yes. It’s a 1965 vintage. Please, take it. Take whatever you want, just leave us alone.”

“ _Us?_ ” repeated Ivy suspiciously. “You alone here, Reggie?”

“My wife. She’s--”

His words were cut off by a loud smashing noise from the kitchen. “Ah, shit,” said Ivy. She raised her voice and called out: “Did you kill her, Harley?”

Ivy could hear Harley rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets as she replied: “I don’t think so. Wow, this place is _loaded_! Do you want any of this wine?”

“Nah, I’m good,” replied Ivy. Then she turned her attention back to Reginald, who by now was weeping pathetically. “You know it’s nothing personal, right? I’m just trying to protect the planet.”

Harley re-entered the room, wine glass in hand, and addressed Reginald. “Hey, are there any bedrooms in this house where you’ve never fucked your wife? Cause we’d kinda like to do our thing where that’s never happened before.” She motioned back and forth between herself and Ivy.

“Good call,” said Ivy.

“We haven’t… In any of them,” sobbed Reginald. “We haven’t had sex in over five years.”

“Dude,” said Ivy.

“Seriously?” said Harley incredulously. “That’s like the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Man, now I kinda don’t even want to kill you,” Ivy sighed. “If I let you go, are you gonna go to the police?”

“No!” said Reginald hastily. “And you can stay in the house as long as you like. Do whatever you want with it. Just let us go and I swear we won’t say a word.”

“What about climate change?” Harley asked. “You gonna make a 180 on that? ‘Cause that shit is definitely real.”

Reginald hesitated. “I… Can’t…”

“OK, boomer. Now you fucked it up,” said Ivy irritably, and she made a squeezing motion with her hand that the vines around Reginald imitated. Once he was dead, the vines loosened and returned to the pot, causing Reginald to fall limply to the floor. “If he can’t even lie about it to save his own life, the guy is hopeless,” Ivy explained to Harley.

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” said Harley. “I’m on your side.”

They dragged both bodies down to the basement (Harley had indeed killed Reginald’s wife) and then headed upstairs to pick out a room. The choice was an illusion, however. In reality neither one of them really felt like wasting time looking around. In the first room they came across, Harley dragged Ivy in and pinned her against the wall. “You look so fucking good in that wedding dress,” she said, kissing her way down Ivy’s neck to her exposed shoulder.

“You think? Kiteman wasn’t sure the backless halter was the way to go.” She felt the briefest of pauses in Harley’s movements and realized it was probably stupid to bring up the K-word at this moment. “Sorry,” she said hastily. “I shouldn’t have…”

“No, it’s okay,” said Harley, putting on a brave face. “You weren’t ready to deal, and I totally get that. I don’t care about who you were with before. All that matters is that you’re with me now.”

Tipping her chin up to force eye contact, Ivy said, “I _am_ with you now, Harley. I only want you. I always only wanted you, but you’re right: I couldn’t deal, and I was a coward and it hurt you and I’m sorry. But I’m over that, I promise. I’m ready to see this thing through, all the way to wherever it leads. I’m ride or die, baby. I really do love you.”

Blinking back happy tears, Harley replied, “I love you, too.”

When they kissed again Ivy could feel frenzy creeping back into Harley’s movements as she slipped her arms around her to rid her of the wedding dress for the final time. From this Ivy deduced that Harley was probably still feeling a little insecure. _If she won’t believe my words, maybe she’ll believe my actions._ “Hey, slow down there, tiger,” she said soothingly, grabbing Harley’s hands in her own. “We’ve got all the time in the world. Every time we do this it always goes too fast. Why don’t we try going nice and slow, huh?”

“Okay,” said Harley nervously. “Sure.” She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had slow sex. In fact she wasn’t sure she had _ever_ had slow sex before. She let herself be led to the bed where Ivy paused to slip off both of their dresses, and Harley realized that _slow_ was going to afford her the opportunity to appreciate things about Ivy that she’d never been able to before. Her body, for example, which was curvy and muscular, somehow both hard and soft at the same time. And then there was the way Ivy’s skin erupted with goosebumps when Harley trailed a finger along her abdomen. Ivy gave her a dry little smile when she noticed that Harley was drawing a heart around her belly button.

“Cute,” said Ivy drolly. 

“I know you are, but what am I?”

Everything was completely different this time. Harley had thought that their nights in Themyscira were close, but she began to realize she’d barely known the meaning of the word until now. Knowing that they had a future, knowing that this was a choice they were making completely sober, knowing that Ivy really did want all the same things that she wanted… It changed everything. And when they finally collapsed together, a mess of bare skin and long hair and tangled limbs, Harley knew for sure that this was what she wanted for the rest of her life. This was how things were meant to be between them. She rested her head on Ivy’s shoulder and clung to her, wishing there was a magic button she could press to regenerate her energy so they could keep going.

“Fuck, Harls,” breathed Ivy. “That was…”

“Yeah,” agreed Harley, even though Ivy hadn’t managed to come up with an adequate adjective.

“I can’t believe how stupid I was for almost saying no to this.”

“It was pretty dumb.” Harley propped herself up on her elbow to look down at Ivy. “Even what happened in Themyscira didn’t change your mind, though.”

“If I had seen the growth you’ve been working towards before that happened, I would have left Chuck in a heartbeat after that weekend. If only just for the amazing sex.”

Harley winced. “Kiteman doesn’t fly in the bedroom, huh?”

“He did his best, like he does with everything in his life. He was better than most guys, but it’s still no comparison to you.”

With a devilish grin, Harley asked, “Did you guys do any really kinky shit?” For most people it might have been odd to have this conversation after such intense lovemaking, but for Harley and Ivy, who had been best friends for so long, it felt completely natural. 

“Does pegging count? ‘Cause he was _super_ into that.”

“Seriously?” laughed Harley. But then she said, “Ya know, on second thought I feel like that totally tracks with his personality.”

“I know, right?” said Ivy. “I wasn’t even surprised when he brought it up. It was like, ‘Oh, yeah. Of course you’re into that.’”

“Did you like doing it?”

Ivy shrugged. “Sure. I mean, his dildo had a little clit-a-ma-jigger on the base so it was about as enjoyable as any other encounter with a man. More so, even, because I could for sure get off every time. And I think we both know, that’s _super_ not that common.”

Harley laughed, but they both froze at the unmistakable sound of the front door to the house opening. She put her finger on her lips to signal Ivy to keep quiet, slipped out of bed and, still completely nude, crept towards the hallway to see who had entered the house. Right as she was about to have a vantage point to the front foyer, an unmistakable voice called out: “Harley? Ivy? Are you ladies here?”

Straightening up and waltzing out into the foyer, Harley stood in front of the intruder, put her hands on her bare hips and demanded: “What the _fuck_ are you doing here, Bane?”


	2. No Rest for the Somewhat Wicked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to read all of Bane's dialogue in his voice inside your head. I really think it adds something to the experience of this chapter.

“Oh, my,” said Bane when he looked up and saw that Harley was naked. He raised one large hand and covered his eyes. “Did I come at a bad time?”

Ivy came out of the bedroom wrapped in a sheet and draped a bathrobe around Harley’s shoulders. Harley smiled at her in thanks as she tied the belt securely around her waist. They both headed down the stairs. “How the hell did you find us?” Ivy asked.

Peeking out and seeing that they were decent, Bane dropped his hand. “I’d rather not say,” he said.

“Yeah, that definitely means you’re gonna tell us,” said Harley flatly.

With a sigh, Bane took out his cell phone. “I had one of my technologically-savvy henchman install a tracker on your phones while you were in the pit. This one shows where you are,” he said to Harley, and pointed to a large icon on the home screen with a picture of a clown that was labeled _HARLEY Q_ . “And this one shows where you are.” Ivy’s icon had a picture of a rose and was labeled _DR. P. IVY._

“How come mine doesn’t say Doctor?” whined Harley. “Does everyone know that I’m a doctor too?”

“And this,” continued Bane, pointing to the only other icon on his phone, “is the trivia app I sometimes play for fun. I’m ranked number three in the United States for _The Office_ trivia.”

“Wow,” said Ivy. “Impressive.”

Bane shrugged. “I would be higher, but I wasn’t as fond of all the seasons after Michael left. I usually skip them on my re-watches. They had no _soul_.”

“What the fuck are you doing here, Bane?” Harley asked loudly, growing impatient with the conversation. “You better not be trying to take us back to that stupid pit.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that.” Bane reached into a back pocket and pulled out a wanted poster with his face on it. “The three of us are at the top of the wanted list in Gotham City. They are offering bounties for our capture. I thought we could work together to steal our police files from the station.”

There were so many stupid things about this suggestion that Ivy had a hard time deciding which thing to point out first. She reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Stealing your police file won’t make them stop looking for you, Bane,” she said.

Bane just looked at her blankly.

“Why do you need _our_ help?” Harley asked, realizing that Bane would not be able to understand or accept the point Ivy was trying to make. “You’re a big boy. Do it yourself.”

“I’m _too_ big a boy,” replied Bane. “I can’t get inside the police station without causing a scene. You two are the only small people I know who are not dead, in prison, or harboring intense dislike for me.”

“We’re not petty thieves, man,” said Ivy. “Why don’t you get a career thief to help you? Ask Catwoman.”

“I already texted her but she hasn’t replied. I think maybe her phone was damaged at the wedding.” He pulled up the text message history on his phone and showed it to them. His entire chat history with Catwoman was one-sided. A month ago he had sent a gif of a cat chasing a ball of yarn, and he had added the commentary: “LOL.” Then a week ago he had asked if she was going to the wedding. And nine hours ago, shortly after the police had raided the wedding, he had sent: “Got job 4 u. Plz call 4 dets.”

“It’s marked ‘read,’” Harley said. “She’s ignoring you, buddy.”

Surprised, Bane put his phone up to his face and squinted at it. “Is that what that means? I always thought that was an instruction.”

“You need your phone to _instruct_ you to read a text message?” said Ivy.

“I’m not very good with technology,” Bane admitted. “I’ll take any help I can get.”

Ivy shook her head. “Unbelievable.”

“So what do you say? Partners?” Bane’s voice was filled with hope.

“You know, I think we’ll pass. But thanks for the offer. You can go now,” said Harley, and she put her hand on his arm and began leading him back to the door.

Crestfallen, Bane said, “That’s too bad. It would have been fun.”

“Uh huh. If you tell anyone we’re here I’ll kill you dead. And by the way, your tracking apps are creepy.” Harley plucked his phone out of his hands, put it on a nearby table, and smashed it with a heavy decorative candelabra. “Don’t ever do that shit again, ‘kay?”

“I deserved that,” said Bane sadly. He started to leave, but paused in the doorway to add: “Congratulations on your wedding, Ivy.”

Harley slapped her forehead.

“I didn’t get married, dumbass,” Ivy told him. “The fact that you found me naked with Harley didn't give that away?”

“It is a little odd, now that you mention it. Does this mean you don’t need the blender I bought off your registry? I’ve been considering doing a juice cleanse.”

“Go nuts,” said Ivy. “Please leave.”

The moment he stepped over the threshold, Harley slammed the door behind him. "I cannot believe that guy got into the Legion of Doom before me. Has he ever carried out a single successful plan before?"

"Not that I know of. But if I know Lex Luthor, it'll be because his dick is as big as his hand size would indicate."

"No shit! Luthor's gay?"

"I once saw him do Cher at a karaoke bar. So he's either gay or really into bad mid-'80s glam pop music."

"Same difference, honestly."

They both jumped when there was a loud pounding on the door. "Are you fucking kidding me?" groaned Ivy.

"What now?" Harley yanked the door open to find Barbara Gordon standing there in her full Batgirl costume. "How does everyone know we're here?!" Throwing her hands up in frustration, Harley turned and began to head back upstairs. "Let's pack it up, Ive. We need to find someplace else to stay. And after all the work we did murdering the owners!"

"Wait, who did you murder?" asked Babs, her eyes wide. "You know what, on second thought, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Listen, you don't have to leave. No one knows you’re here except me and Bane.”

“So no one that matters, then,” muttered Ivy.

“My father has me tailing Bane while he works on finding you two. When Bane came here I saw your car out front and figured he was probably looking for you. You know, if your intention is to not be found you should probably ditch that car, or at least get rid of the 'just married' and the tin cans on the back."

"Fair point. We'll get right on that. Now what do you want?" Harley asked, returning to the foyer and casually wrapping an arm around Ivy's waist.

Babs looked back and forth between the two of them. "Are you two a thing now? Is that why you called off the wedding?"

"I didn't call off the wedding. Your dear old dad crashed it," snapped Ivy. "I mean, sure, it turns out he kinda did me a huge solid and kept me from making a horrible, awful mistake, but still... Rude."

"It's the principle of the thing," Harley added.

"Yes, exactly. The principle."

"I know," said Babs. "For what it's worth, I wish he hadn't done it. You didn't deserve that. And that's actually kind of why I'm glad I found you instead of him. My father is obsessed with hunting you two down. Nothing I say will convince him that you're not villains and you don't belong in Arkham. But I think if you came with me to the police station and had a rational discussion with him, he'd come around."

"What do you mean, we're not villains?" said Ivy. "I mean, personally I never identified as 'evil' because I'm just an environmentalist, but Harley's another story. Maybe she's not trying to take over Gotham or the world, but that doesn't mean she's on the same side as you."

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "I'm neutral at best."

Sighing, Babs said, "I knew you would say that. This is just like that time you kissed me. You wouldn't listen to me then, either."

Ivy's jaw dropped. "Woah, woah, woah, back it up a second." She rounded on Harley and pointed an accusatory finger at her. "You kissed _her_? What the hell, Harls?"

"I was in deep denial about my feelings for you," said Harley flippantly. "The whole thing was about you."

Looking smug and satisfied, Ivy said, "Oh, well that's okay then."

"Besides," Harley continued, "you're the one who fucked Kiteman up the ass. If anyone here should be offended, it's me."

"That's legit," agreed Ivy. "I can respect that."

Babs buried her face in her hands and groaned: "Why are you doing this to me?"

"There's no way we're going to willingly walk into the police station to have a little sit down chat with your crazy old man," said Harley to Babs. "If that's what you're here for you might as well run along and catch up with Bane while you still can."

Visibly uncomfortable, Barbara said, “I already lost him. One of your neighbors here has a helicopter and he stole it.”

“Man, I can’t believe I’m about to say this twice in the same day about _Bane_ , but that’s kind of impressive,” said Ivy.

Harley threw her arms around Ivy’s shoulders and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek. “I love the way you always give props where it’s due.”

Ivy blushed. “Thanks, Harls.”

“Do you guys know where he might have gone? Does he have a home base? We know he’s not staying in the area formerly known as Baneton.”

“I dunno about a base, but he’s got a pit he loves way too much,” said Harley grumpily. 

“That sounds promising. Where’s that?” asked Babs eagerly.

When Harley opened her mouth to answer, Ivy covered it with her hand. “Hold on,” she said. “We have valuable information about a wanted fugitive. That’s gotta be worth something to the Commissioner, right?”

“God, you’re so smart,” gushed Harley. “Ivy’s right. We’ll tell Gordon where Bane is if he calls off the hunt for us.”

Barbara considered this for a moment, frowning the whole time. “I don’t know if I could convince him to do that. He really wants you two. He’s completely obsessed with you, almost as obsessed as he is with…” She trailed off, and then her eyes lit up. “ _Batman!_ That’s it! If you won’t talk to my dad, will you talk to Batman?”

Harley and Ivy glanced at each other, having a silent conversation. Then Harley said, “Sure, why not. You send the big B here and we’ll tell him where the other big B is.”

“Yeah, and then he can run along and pass that information to Gordon, and then everyone can leave us the fuck alone for the rest of our miserable lives,” said Ivy.

“Perfect!” Barbara clapped her hands together excitedly. “You two stay put. I’ll go find Batman and bring him here.”

Harley grabbed Ivy’s arm and began dragging her back towards the stairs. “Great. You can show yourself out. And when you come back make sure you knock _real_ loud because we’re gonna be upstairs having crazy amazing sex and we might not hear ya right away, ‘kay?”

“God… Damn it,” groaned Barbara, shaking her head as she turned to leave. “I really didn’t need to know that…”

“Yeah you did,” said Ivy over her shoulder as she allowed Harley to pull her along.

“Finally alone,” said Harley once they’d reached the bedroom. She reached out and tugged on the sheet wrapped around Ivy, revealing her nude body. With a dreamy sigh, Harley said, “Hello again. I missed you.”

“Okay, are you seriously talking to my tits right now?”

“I’m talking to your everything, but yes, mostly the tits.”

“Cool. Just wanted to clear that up, I guess.”

Several hours later their hunger roused them from the bed. They showered first, marveling at the trappings of wealth. In the bathroom there were two shower heads, a shower radio, a heated floor, and a heated towel rack. “Maybe we _should_ look into becoming petty thieves,” said Ivy. “I mean, if this is the kinda shit money can buy, then I want more of it.” She had been expecting laughter and a snappy reply from Harley, but instead she just frowned and dressed, dropping her used towel in the laundry basket as she left the bedroom. “The fuck?” said Ivy to no one in particular.

Once she was dressed she followed Harley downstairs and found her in the kitchen looking at the open refrigerator. “Looks like there’s enough stuff to make pancakes here. That sound okay to you?” Harley asked.

“Sure,” Ivy replied, sitting down at the table. “You wanna tell me what that was about upstairs, or should I pretend I didn’t notice and let it fester inside of you until it bursts out in a super inopportune moment like we usually do?”

Despite her suddenly glum mood, Harley smiled. “I guess we should talk about stuff, huh? That’s part of the growth thing you were looking for.”

“From what I’ve heard, most emotionally functional adults do tend to rely on their paramours for support, yes. I would think as a psychologist you would know this.”

“Yeah, well, I was never a very good one, was I?”

“You helped me,” said Ivy, somewhat shyly. “So I’d like to be able to return the favor. Tell me what’s going on.”

As she set up the cooking area and began tossing ingredients into a large bowl, Harley said, “I was thinking about what Barbara said about me not bein’ a villain. I don’t know if you noticed, but the other day I turned down the opportunity to rule the world, and I barely even had to think about it. Darkseid offered, and for a split second I wanted it. But then I thought about you, and about how I’ve never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted to be with you. I was there to make one last shot at you, and I knew taking what Darkseid was offering would fuck that up before I even got my chance to tell you how I felt.”

“Of course I noticed, Harley. I noticed it when you destroyed the staff, and I noticed it again at the Dead Mall after I was mind controlled. I was really proud of you both times.”

“Thank you,” said Harley softly, pointedly keeping her gaze on the mixing bowl. “My point is that… Well… Maybe Babs is right. Maybe I’m not a bad guy. Maybe I never was.”

“That’s okay,” Ivy said. “Nobody said you had to be a bad guy.”

“Yeah but what am I if I’m not evil, ya know? I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Ivy stood from the table and wrapped her arms around Harley, pulling her in for a warm, comforting hug. “You’re Harley _fucking_ Quinn, dude. You’re energy and chaos and rebellion. You don’t take shit from anyone, and you don’t let anyone push you around. That’s who you are. And man, do I love the living crap out of you for it. Sometimes I wish I could be as unrestrained as you. I wouldn’t have let that thing with Kiteman go as far as it did if I could learn to let myself go as much as you do.”

“That’s crazy talk,” objected Harley. “I’m the one who needs to be more like _you_. You’re so much more mature than me. I need to learn a little restraint.”

“Maybe both things are true. Maybe that’s why we get along so well, because we balance each other out. You can be there to push me to take action, and I can be there to hold you back.”

Pulling back enough to meet Ivy’s eyes, Harley’s smile looked a lot more genuine this time. “You’re right. That works out super well, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, we’re fucking perfect for each other.” Ivy dipped down to kiss her lightly, letting the contact linger and feeling a rush of giddy happiness. “Feel better?” she asked quietly, reaching up to playfully tug on Harley’s pink-tipped pigtail.

“Lots. Thank you.”

“Any time.” Ivy retreated back to the table and sat back down, resting her chin in her hand as she watched Harley resume her cooking duties. Privately, she was astonished at how good it had felt to comfort Harley and cheer her up. She’d never thought of herself as the kind of person who would enjoy taking care of someone else, but she loved Harley so much that it was the best feeling in the world to know that she could take on that role for her. Before she’d met Dr. Harleen Quinzel, she’d believed that love, if it even existed at all, was pointless. _What an idiot I was_ , she thought.

“I wonder what I should do next,” Harley said thoughtfully as she retrieved a pan and set it on the stove top. “Up until now I’ve always had a set goal to work towards, but now I’ve pretty much got nothing going on. I need a new _thing_ , ya know? But I’m not interested in destroying or enslaving Gotham, and I’m also not interested in going around stopping muggers like the two Bats.”

“It’s true what you said to Babs: You're neutral. Whatever you do next will have to toe that line. I know I was kidding about it earlier, but maybe burglary is an actual option for you.”

“Maybe, but there’s already a lot of competition in that area. Selina alone could probably steal half the worthwhile shit in the city.” She picked up the pan and expertly flipped one of the pancakes without using a spatula. 

“You know whatever you decide to do, I’m with you.”

Another little smile graced Harley’s lips. “Ride or die, right?”

“Damn right.”

“Thanks, Ive.” Now finished with the pancakes, she set them down on the table and joined Ivy. With her mouth full of food, she said: “Anyway, none of this matters until we can go home. I’m not planning any moves until after we’re done being hunted.”

Ivy groaned. “Speaking of moves, I’m gonna need to get some of my stuff back from Kiteman. I have plants at his place. That’s gonna be rough.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, this is my mess to clean for once.”

“Well, the offer is there if you change your mind.”

“I appreciate that, bae.”

After they finished eating they lounged around on the couch watching the enormous TV in the living room. Though they had done this activity many times together, it felt greatly improved by the fact that they could now cuddle while they did it. At first they were watching Survivor, and Harley allowed herself to close her eyes and drift in and out of consciousness, feeling safe and warm and content in Ivy’s arms -- all feelings she wasn’t particularly used to having. But when that program ended and the jingle for the evening news began to play, she cracked one eye open to watch.

“Good evening, Gotham City, I’m Aribella Areola and this is _Action News_. Our top story tonight: Batgirl is missing.”

Harley sat up and opened the other eye, leaning closer to the TV.

The footage switched to another reporter, who was standing in front of the police building interviewing Jim Gordon. “When was the last time you heard from her?” the reporter asked.

Gordon, who looked extremely distraught, answered: “The last time I spoke with her was early this morning. We were working together to catch some criminals who fled Poison Ivy and Kiteman’s wedding yesterday morning. We were supposed to pow-wow over lunch but she didn’t show.”

“Have you attempted to contact Batman?”

A hulking, darkly-clothed figure stepped out of the shadows behind Gordon. “Haven’t seen or heard from her either,” growled Batman.

Surprised to see him, Gordon quickly reached up and ran a hand through his hair and straightened the collar on his police uniform. “Oh, Batman, I uh… Didn’t know you were here,” he stammered. “Does this mean you wanna work together to find Batgirl? Or maybe get a cup of coffee or something? You know, to… talk about where she might be. Or whatever. We don’t have to talk about her. We could talk about, like, football or something.”

Ignoring him, Batman looked straight at the camera and said, “If anyone has any information on where Batgirl might be, please contact the GCPD. And I do mean _anyone_.”

“You heard it from the Bat himself, folks. Please keep your eyes peeled for any sign of Batgirl’s whereabouts. Back to you, Aribella.”

The news program returned to the reporter in the studio, and Ivy picked up the remote and shut the television off. She and Harley looked at one other.

Harley sighed heavily and said: “ _Fuuuuuck_.”


	3. Bat and Batman

There was an immediate unspoken agreement between them that this was something they had to take action on. Whether or not they were on the same side as Barbara Gordon, she was, for lack of a better term, a friend. She may be perky and annoying and somewhat gullible, but they knew her, and for that reason they could not sit idly by. They were involved now, for better or for worse.

Talking to the GCPD wasn’t an option for them, though, so they knew their only choice was to reach out to Batman. And they only knew one sure-fire way to get in contact with him.

Deciding that Barbara’s advice about their car had been sound, they stole a neighbor’s sports car to drive back to the city. As Harley revved the engine and sped out of the driveway, a man came out of the house and started yelling and shaking his fist at them. “Sorry!’ she yelled back at him as they drove off. To Ivy she said, “I’m not actually sorry. No one gets that rich without being a total dick.”

“Totally. The only way to get that far ahead in a capitalist society is to exploit someone else’s labor,” agreed Ivy, playing with the various buttons on the control panel. “Oooh, heated seats. Very nice.” She clicked it on, and a few seconds later the fabric of the seats began to warm up. Both women sighed with pleasure. “Again I say: We should get more money. There’s gotta be some kind of Robin Hood-esque way to make enough to afford shit like this.”

“I’m definitely starting to come around on that way of thinking,” said Harley, sinking further into her warm, cozy seat as she drove.

Darkness was thick around them by the time they made it back to the city. Ivy was so focused on the police building in the distance that it took her a second to realize that Harley had stopped the car unexpectedly. “What’s going on?” she asked, looking around for any sign of trouble. They had parked in front of a sporting goods supply store.

“I got you a present. I called in a special order before we left,” said Harley slyly. “Wait here.” She hopped out of the car and went into the store. Impatient and worried about being caught, Ivy got out of the car and leaned against it as she waited, her arms crossed over her chest. Five minutes later Harley came back out with a long, thin package in hand. She shoved it right in front of Ivy’s face.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Open it and find out!” said Harley, grinning and bouncing on the balls of her feet with excitement.

Ivy ripped open the package to reveal a brand new baseball bat, decorated in red and black just like all of Harley’s other baseball bats. “I don’t get it,” she said flatly. “My gift is your weapon?”

Plucking the bat out of Ivy’s hands, Harley went over to a nearby gas-guzzling SUV, raised the bat high up over her head, and swung down as hard as she could, putting a huge indent in the car and probably damaging the engine beneath it. As if to confirm this, smoke began pouring out of the car. Straightening up and laying the bat on her shoulder in her signature pose, Harley announced: “I switched to metal! See? More durable, more deadly, not as wasteful, and no trees had to die in the making of it!”

For a moment Ivy just stared at her. Then she marched over, took Harley’s face in her hands, and planted a firm kiss right on her lips. “Fuck, Harls!” she said. “Just when I think I can’t love you any more than I already do, you go and pull something like this.”

“So you like it?”

“I love it. It’s perfect.” She tugged Harley back to the car and said, “Now let’s go try it out on some skulls, huh?”

“I’d love to. God, Ivy, you really do know me better than anyone.”

The next time they got out of the car it was very close to the police building in the center of Gotham City. They entered an apartment building directly adjacent to the station and took the elevator to the roof. Once outside, Ivy plucked out a flower she’d placed behind her ear for safekeeping and took hold of Harley’s waist, pulling her body flush against her own. “You ready?” she asked.

“I was born ready,” replied Harley, tightening her grip around Ivy’s shoulders.

“Hold on tight,” said Ivy as she made the flower grow into a platform of vines beneath their feet. “Not because this isn’t safe or anything, I just honestly really like the way your boobs feel all pressed up against my side like that.”

"Stop it, you’re making me blush.”

As the vines transported them from their rooftop to the rooftop of the police station, Harley was strongly reminded of that ill-advised time a year earlier when she had ditched Ivy and the rest of her crew in favor of going out on a yacht with the Joker. When Batman showed up, Joker had taken her with him onto an escape helicopter, and she’d clung to him on the rope ladder just like she was doing to Ivy now. That event had caused a huge rift in her friendship with Ivy because, as she later learned, Ivy’s greatest fear was being abandoned by someone she considered to be her best - and  _ only _ \- friend. Someone who she had hesitantly and painfully let inside her heart despite all her instincts telling her to do otherwise. Ivy had never opened up to anyone the way she’d opened up to Harley, and Harley, like a complete fucking asshole, had failed on her end of the bargain.

This same fear was what had kept Ivy from accepting what Harley was offering after they’d slept together during the bachelorette weekend. Instead of further opening herself up, Ivy had shrank back before the possibility of increased intimacy with someone she  _ needed _ in her life, and instead had chosen the safe, convenient option being offered by someone who loved her far more than she loved him. She wouldn’t have been as happy with Kiteman, but he represented less risk, lower stakes, and a greatly reduced chance of being hurt.

They reached the rooftop of the police station, and Ivy kissed Harley on the cheek before releasing her. As Ivy walked over to turn on the Bat Signal, Harley sat on the wall around the edge of the rooftop and watched, wanting to say something that could communicate all the things she was thinking:  _ I’ll never leave you. I’ll never hurt you again. Thank you for taking a chance on me.  _

With the signal displayed brightly in the night sky, Ivy came over and leaned against the wall beside her, crossing her arms over her chest in her typical somewhat annoyed way. Ready to make her big proclamation, Harley opened her mouth and let whatever inarticulate words were gathered in her throat tumble out: “I’m really glad you didn’t marry Kiteman.”

Exasperated, Ivy gave her a sharp look.

“‘Cuz, you know, I love you and… And I think you wouldn’t have been happy and…” stammered Harley. She paused and took a deep breath. “I’m sayin’ this all wrong. Look, Ivy, you’re my best friend and even though we have sex now, it doesn’t mean I’m not still your best friend. And I know why you said no to me all those times, and what I’m trying to say is that, well, you finally said yes because you saw progress in me, but I think you sayin’ yes was progress for  _ you _ , and I know how hard that must have been and… And I’m really... proud of you for it, you know?”

Ivy blushed, looking away from Harley. “Thanks,” she mumbled.

“You’re welcome. I wanted to tell you all that because I want you to know that I  _ get  _ it. I really do. I know it wasn’t just about bein’ with me, it was about being vulnerable, and I’m telling you, Ivy: You have  _ nothing _ to worry about, okay? I won’t fuck this up. You’re too important to me.”

Ivy straightened up and uncrossed her arms, moving to stand between Harley’s legs as they dangled off the wall. She reached up and brushed her thumbs along Harley’s cheekbones ever-so-softly, staring deeply into her eyes. “You talk a big game, Harley, but you’d better make sure you follow through, because I don’t think I could handle it if you didn’t.”

“I will,” said Harley adamantly, touched by the vulnerability in Ivy’s voice and in her eyes. “I promise.” She slid her hand behind Ivy’s neck and drew her in for a kiss.

Neither of them was sure how much time passed, wrapped up as they were in their own little world. But when a deep voice cleared its throat nearby they separated slowly and leisurely, totally unwilling to do anything on anyone’s time frame but their own. Not even Batman’s presence was worth an abrupt end to the sheer pleasure of kissing each other. 

“Well, Quinn, I see you’ve managed to work things out with Ivy,” said a very bemused Batman.

“Yep,” said Harley, hopping off the wall and brushing dirt off her legs. “We’re good now.”

“Uh, why does Batman know intimate details about your personal life?” asked Ivy suspiciously.

“Blame Joker,” said Harley, annoyed. “He’s the one who blabbed everything.”

“It came up organically,” said Batman, holding back a smile. “It would have been strange  _ not _ to bring it up.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” snapped Harley. “Ya big smug asshole.”

“I am so… lost… You know what, never mind, I really don’t care because this is a stupid fucking waste of time,” said Ivy, waving her hand as if to brush the topic away. “We have intel on Batgirl.”

Now interested, Batman narrowed his eyes at her. “I had a feeling you might. For whatever reason, she thinks you two are some kind of heroes who don’t deserve to be locked up in Arkham. What did you do with her?”

“Fuck you, bat-fucker,” yelled Harley, pointing at him with her shiny new bat. “We didn’t  _ do _ anything. That little busybody barged in on our hideout and all we were trying to do was have lots of sex and bask in our newfound love! But no! Because Harley Quinn isn’t allowed to have anything good! Everything in her life always has to turn to  _ shit _ and then she has to sit there and listen to moronic accusations by self-righteous  _ assholes _ in stupid fucking costumes!”

Both Ivy and Batman blinked at her, totally shocked at her outburst. “Uh, Harls, you okay?” Ivy asked hesitantly.

“No! Because you and I risked our  _ asses _ to come back to the god damn  _ police station _ when we’re  _ wanted criminals _ , and instead of getting a ‘Thank you Harley and Ivy,’ we get accused of something that for once we didn’t even do!”

“Alright, enough!” interjected Batman. “I apologize for jumping to conclusions. Obviously I’ve unintentionally stepped on some kind of personal minefield for you, and the sooner we get past this hurdle, the sooner I can let Ivy figure out what the hell is going on with you. Tell me what you know so we can all go our separate ways.”

“Unfortunately, the information we know isn’t going to lead to us going our separate ways,” said Harley grumpily. “Because if we want to get Batgirl back, we’re going to have to work together.”

Batman glared at her and growled, “Explain.”

Stepping between the two of them, Ivy said, “Batgirl was following Bane, and Bane was tracking us. Bane showed up at our hideout and asked if we wanted to work with him on a really fucking stupid plan to do a heist here at the police station. We turned him down, he left, and then Batgirl knocked on our door. She said she lost Bane because he stole a helicopter. We told her that we know where Bane was probably headed, and we wanted to leverage that information in exchange for Gordon dropping our charges. She left to find you to pass that along, and that’s the last time anyone saw her, I’m guessing.”

There was a long silence as Batman considered all this information. “So,” he said at length, “you think Bane…”

“He probably picked her up,” Harley finished for him. “He must have seen her from the sky and grabbed her.”

“And you know where he would have taken her,” ventured Batman.

“He has a pit,” said Harley.

“A… Pit,” repeated Batman slowly.

“Yeah,” said Harley. “A pit. Like a big hole in the ground. He uses it as a prison. We got sent there while the Injustice League had control of the city.”

“Will she be in danger there?” asked Batman.

“I mean, there’s finger-painting, talent shows, and a lot of talking about your feelings.” Ivy said the last part in a mocking voice. “It’s basically cruel and unusual punishment. Personally I’d prefer the death penalty, and I don’t even support the death penalty.”

“Also there’s probably a lot of really nasty people in that pit. The potential for shanking is real,” added Harley.

Nodding his understanding, Batman said, “Alright. Where is this pit?”

“It’s in the middle of fucking nowhere, out in the desert,” explained Harley. “We can tell you exactly where it is. That’s the easy part. The hard part will be busting her out. You wouldn’t think it, but getting out of a giant hole in the ground is actually really difficult. But we have a plan, and trust me, it’ll work. You definitely need us for this.”

“How do I know I can trust you?” asked Batman. “Why are you helping with this?”

“Because…” began Harley, and then she trailed off. Then she sighed in defeat and completed her thought: “Because we kind of… I guess...  _ Like  _ Batgirl. She’s…” Harley shrugged. “She’s okay.”

“She’s got spunk,” added Ivy. “And us spunky girls gotta stick together.”

“For feminism,” agreed Harley. “Those are the rules of feminism.”

Batman reached up and rubbed his temples in annoyance. “Okay,” he growled. “What do you need from me?”

Grinning wickedly, Harley said: “You still got that badass plane, right?”

Twenty minutes later, Batman let himself into the ground floor of the police station to find Jim Gordon sitting behind his desk, staring at an unopened bottle of scotch. “Oh, hey Batman,” he grumbled when the large man in the costume entered. “Did I tell you I gave up drinking thanks to my daughter Barbara?”

“Several dozen times, yes. Listen, Jim--”

“There’s something you need to know about Batgirl. Something I never told anybody,” continued Gordon without pausing.

“I already know. Jim, we need to--”

“This is a huge secret that could be dangerous if it got out.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I already know. Now if you could just--”

“Batgirl,” said Jim loudly, “is none other than my daughter Barbara.” He finally looked up to find Batman rolling his eyes.

“Uh huh. Like I said, I already knew that. Now shut up listen to me. I got a lead on Babs, but you’re not gonna like it.”

Jim stood abruptly from his desk, knocking over the bottle and causing it to shatter on the floor. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner, man?! That’s my daughter out there!”

Batman sighed in annoyance. “Sit back down, Jim. We need to have a little chat about Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.”

Across town, Harley and Ivy were sneaking into Harvey Dent’s new hideout as loudly as possible. “This might be the stupidest fucking thing we’ve ever done,” said Ivy as they crawled through a ceiling vent.

“The stupidest fucking thing we’ve ever done  _ so far _ ,” Harley corrected her happily. She let her arms clatter against the sides of the vent as they thudded along in the darkness.

"Well, as long as we're trapped in this dark tunnel together for a while, you wanna explain why you bit Batman's head off back there?"

Harley didn't answer right away. After they had crawled several more feet, she said, "I'm not entirely sure, actually. I think... I think I was just annoyed that he assumed we were up to no good, you know? I'm a complex human woman with a lot of different thoughts and feelings."

"That's for damn sure," muttered Ivy.

"I mean, if it's true that I'm neutral, doesn't that mean that eventually people gotta stop thinking I'm only capable of doing bad things?"

"Personally, I don't give a fuck about what other people think, except for you. I used to care a lot, but then I realized that down that path lies restrictions and unhappiness," said Ivy, thinking of the time when she had worn a disguise to go on a date with Kiteman. If she had gotten nothing else out of that relationship, it was the ability to let go of her own self-consciousness and unapologetically be who she wanted to be. It had been by far one of Chuck's best and most admirable qualities.

"Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice if someone like _Batman_ believed that I could, y'know, like, change?"

"I definitely get where you're coming from, but Harley, I know you better than anyone and I know for a fact that you _can_ change. I've seen you do it. And I bet if you start doing things that aren't bad, people will have no choice but to learn that there's more to you than your bad guy tendencies. They'll come around eventually."

"Ugh," groaned Harley. "Who knows how long that's going to take! Isn't there a shortcut I could take?"

"Nope. Sorry babe," said Ivy. "You just have to trust the process."

Suddenly, the surface they were crawling on gave way as hundreds of machine gun bullets cut through it like a hot knife through butter, and the two of them fell down into the room below. As both women had been anticipating this, they landed gracefully on their feet to find themselves in the middle of a circle of men wearing black-and-white suits, all pointing machine guns at them. Directly in front of them stood Two Face himself. “Well well well,” he said. “If it isn’t my old pal Harley Quinn. At least, I thought we were pals. Why are you breaking into my hideout in the middle of the night? And please be specific. We have to have all the facts to make a proper ruling on your guilt or your innocence.”

“Oh, uhh… I guess I didn’t think about that part. We’re here because, uh, Ivy… Is, uh… Mad…” An idea occurred to Harley, and her eyes lit up. “Because you tipped off Gordon about her wedding! Right, Ive?”

“Sure,” said Ivy, sounding supremely bored as she examined her fingernails. “I’m mad that you ruined the wedding that I definitely wanted to happen and I’m definitely not glad I didn’t go through with because Harley and I definitely did  _ not _ spend a large part of the last forty-eight hours having the best sex we’ve ever had in our entire lives.”

“Exactly,” said Harley. “So we’re here for revenge.”

“Tsk tsk,” clucked Two Face. “As they say: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

Both Harley and Ivy groaned and rolled their eyes. “Who’s  _ they _ ?” asked Ivy rhetorically. “Misogynistic assholes?”

Dent said: “Well, unfortunately for you, you’re not going to get your revenge tonight, because we heard you coming a mile away.”

“Oh, darn,” said Ivy flatly.

“We totally didn’t mean for that to happen,” added Harley unconvincingly.

“Too bad!” cackled Dent. “Because it did, and now I know just what to do with you.”

“Throw us in the pit, right?” said Harley.

“Arkham is too good for scum like you,” continued Dent as though he hadn’t noticed.

“Uh huh. That’s why you’re gonna throw us in the pit,” said Harley helpfully.

“That is why…” 

“You’re gonna throw us in the pit.”

“I am going to throw you…”

“In the pit.”

“In the pit!” finished Dent triumphantly.

“Jesus, can you believe this fuckin’ guy?” said Harley to Ivy out of the corner of her mouth.

“No,” said Ivy. “No I cannot.”

“Listen, Two Face, we’re kinda in a rush here. Could you speed this along and toss us in the pit already?” said Harley.

“Silly girl, so eager to meet her demise. Well, I think we can accommodate that, can’t we boys? Take them away! And don’t forget to check that one for any plants,” Two Faces said, pointing at Ivy. Then he turned and strutted out of the room, whistling and nonchalantly flipping a coin as he went.

“You guys actually like working for him?” Ivy asked Dent’s goons as they stepped forward to frisk her for plants and then began fastening her hands and feet with chains.

One of the goons shrugged. “I’m an antique gun enthusiast, and he’s got some real nice pieces,” he said as he placed shackles on Harley. “Check out this luger. It’s vintage from 1920.”

“Oh,” said Harley brightly as she looked at the gun. “That  _ is _ actually pretty cool.”

“Still fires like new,” the goon said proudly.

“I like feeling like I’m workin’ in a Dick Tracy movie all the time. These suits and pork pie hats are  _ sharp _ . Plus we can smoke anywhere we want,” said another goon, and there was a general murmur of agreement from the group.

“Can’t beat that ambiance, I guess,” said Ivy as they were led at gunpoint to a prisoner transport van. She hopped up into it of her own accord and sat on one of the benches. Harley followed her inside and sat on the opposite bench.

“Later guys,” Harley said as one of the goons began to shut the doors. “It was real nice chatting with you.”

“Yeah, no hard feelings,” called out Ivy.

“Bye!” said the group of goons, waving pleasantly. “Nice couple of dames. Real shame about them gettin’ thrown in the pit,” said one goon as the group headed back inside.

Then the van’s doors clanged closed, the engine started up, and the long journey to the pit was underway.


	4. Pit Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember what I told you about Bane's voice.

There was a point in the trip to the pit where it became evident they were no longer driving on a paved road. The ride became considerably more bumpy, and the chains around Harley and Ivy's wrists and ankles clattered loudly on the metal of the van. The movement and the noise roused Harley from where she had been snoozing peacefully against Ivy's shoulder.

"Are we there yet?" she asked sleepily, raising her arms above her head and stretching her back out.

"Almost," replied Ivy, who was scowling at the side of the van.

"Uh… Ive? You okay?"

Ivy glanced at Harley for a brief moment before looking away again. "Just thinking about the last time we were in that pit."

"Yeah," said Harley with a sigh. "That was some pretty intense shit you went through down there. I coulda made this plan work without you. I really didn't want you to have to relive all that."

A smile broke through on Ivy's face. "There is no way you could do the plan without me, Harls. I basically _am_ the plan, as usual."

"Okay, that is one hundred percent true, but still." Harley leaned over and pressed her lips to Ivy's shoulder. "I'm sorry you have to go back there with me."

"No, it's okay. I think it'll be good to work some of it out. And besides, this is where we had our first kiss. This pit is special to us in a kind of twisted, horrible way."

For Harley, that kiss had led to some serious heartache and pain, but she decided not to bring that up, especially considering it had all worked out in her favor in the end. "Then let's work it out," she said. "Tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours."

"It's hard to explain," muttered Ivy.

"Just try. You don't have to do this on your own. Let me help a little."

Ivy sighed and let her head rest on the wall of the van as she stared up at the ceiling. "I guess… When we were in the pit, and I was on stage just saying whatever popped into my head, I realized for the first time that not only was my life completely different than it had been two years ago, but that I was really, honestly _happy_ about it. I was glad that I wasn't buried alive in my own emotional pit. That had never occurred to me before. Obviously I knew things were different - hell, Selina pointed that out to me constantly. She was super annoying about it, actually. But I didn't know until we were down there that all the changes were kinda awesome, you know?"

"Well, that's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah, I mean I guess. And I was thinking about Kiteman and about how we were getting married and how I actually _wanted_ to do that. But what I realized was that I wasn't excited about marrying Kiteman, I was excited about the idea of _having_ someone. Someone who would always be there, and would always be mine." She looked at Harley, studying her face carefully. "And then, after I had this big epiphany on stage… There you were. You didn't do anything special, you just sat with me and let me say my shit, and you _got_ it. You understood exactly where I was coming from. I knew then that all this great stuff that was happening in my life, it was all because of you. It was all because you pulled open my petals so I could take in the sun.

"But while we were escaping," continued Ivy, "you wanted to sacrifice yourself for me and that was like… _not_ okay, you know? I knew without you I would close myself off again and be buried back in my pit and probably fucking die."

"Is that why you kissed me?"

"Um, excuse me but _you_ kissed _me._ "

"Did not!" said Harley petulantly.

"Did too," shot back Ivy.

"Agree to disagree. Let's say we both kissed each other."

"Fine," agreed Ivy, even though she was still thoroughly convinced that it had been Harley who initiated it. "Doesn't matter, anyway. I kissed you back, and it really freaked me out because I knew then that I loved you too much to risk you like that. So I pretended it didn't happen."

"Why does all this bother you so much, Ivy?" asked Harley. "So far everything you've told me doesn't sound so bad, because most of this shit should have been resolved when you accepted that being with me was worth the risk."

Ivy considered this. "I think," she said at length, "the problem is Kiteman. Or, like, what I did to Kiteman. And what I did to you. I hurt you both, and neither one of you deserved it. I guess I don't like thinking that I was capable of doing something so shitty to the only people in the entire world I actually give a flying fuck about."

Harley opened her mouth to reply but the van stopped abruptly, causing them both to lose their balance. In the end they both ended up on the floor, Harley laying completely on top of Ivy. "Fuck, that hurt," groaned Harley, wincing as she tried to get up, which was easier said than done with shackles on.

The back doors flew open, letting the early dawn sunlight stream into the van. "Well look who it is!" exclaimed Bane, obviously tickled to see them. He took in their body positioning. "Oh, dear, have I interrupted something again?"

"No, Bane," said Harley loudly. "We fell over 'cause your driver is shit."

"Yes, Steven never quite learned how to stop very well. He usually has to run into a wall or something to make it happen," said Bane.

"How the fuck does a person not know how to stop a car?" asked Ivy. "It's the only pedal on the floor that isn't the one that makes you go."

"Unless you have a stick shift," amended Harley.

"Which we don't," said Bane.

"Then how… You know what, forget it. Help us up already for fuck's sake," said Ivy.

They emerged from the van and found themselves standing at the lip of the pit, just like they had the last time they'd come here. "I honestly can't believe you're back here as my prisoners after turning down my offer to work as partners," said Bane as he took out a key and removed their shackles. "The universe works in mysterious ways. But you know the drill. I can't give preferential treatment. But just know in your hearts that even though I may be cruel, I do prefer you to most of my other prisoners."

"Lucky us," muttered Harley.

Bane gestured to the pit with the sweep of an enormous arm. "Would you like to jump in yourselves, or shall I do the honors?"

Harley and Ivy glanced at one another and nodded before they jumped over the edge in unison.

After they'd been set up with their new prison uniforms, Bane came over to get them and led them to their bunks. "Normally this is where I would give the tour," he said cheerfully, "but you two already know where everything is. This is very exciting for everyone here in the pit. We've never gotten a repeat offender before. Everyone who comes to the pit dies here, so they never get a chance to re-offend, you see."

"Dying definitely would be an insurmountable obstacle to a life of crime," said Harley.

As they walked through the prison Harley and Ivy kept a sharp lookout for any sign of Barbara Gordon. But they still hadn't spotted her by the time they reached their bunks, and they didn't get an opportunity to do any more thorough searching because they had to immediately report to their noodle art class once they were finished making their beds.

They sat next to each other at the long, metal picnic table where piles of construction paper, boxes of uncooked noodles, and sticky bottles of glue had been set up for the inmates to use. "Welcome back, you two," said a burly-looking inmate on the other side of the table who was working on a noodle picture of a handgun. "What'd you do to get tossed back in here?"

"It's a long story," said Ivy, pulling a box of elbow macaroni closer for her and Harley to use. "Let's just say be careful who you make friends with, because eventually you might find yourself letting Two Face arrest you so you can pull off a rescue mission caper."

"Aw shit," said the inmate. "Hate when that happens."

Ivy noticed that Harley was hard at work on her noodle art, but she was doing her best to keep it covered so that no one could see it. "Harley, what the fuck are you dong?"

"I'm making noodle art," said Harley defensively. "What else would I be doing?"

"Let me see."

"No! It's not done yet."

"Come on, man. I haven't seen you this focused on an art project since that time you spray painted dicks all over city hall. I want to see!"

Harley turned even further away from Ivy. "You'll see it when it's done. Be patient."

Rolling her eyes, Ivy dumped out some noodles and set to work making a rose. She figured if the inmate across the table was making his noodles into his weapon of choice, she might as well do the same with hers.

At the end of the hour, Harley surveyed her paper and then announced triumphantly: "There. Done." She finally held it out for Ivy to see.

"Is that supposed to be me?" Ivy asked. The noodles were shaped more or less like a humanoid figure, although there were some details Ivy couldn't understand.

"Uh huh!" said Harley happily. "Look, these are your plants, this one is Frank, and these here are some vines."

Ivy squinted at the paper. "What's going on with my chest area?"

"Oh, I made your boobs bigger," said Harley. "Do you like it?"

Ivy's initial gut reaction was to say something snarky, but the truth was that she was melting inside. "I fucking love it," she said, shaking her head. "What is going on with me right now?"

"You're PMSing, probably." Harley reached out and patted her on the knee.

"Maybe. But I think mostly I just really, really have a thing for you and so I'm seeing the world through these weird tinted glasses that make everything you do really cute and endearing."

"Huh. How 'bout that. I wonder how long that'll last."

"A long time, I hope," admitted Ivy. She took the noodle picture and leaned forward to kiss Harley lightly.

A round of wolf-whistles and cheering went around the table. "Oh shit," Harley said. "I forgot we're not alone."

"Me too."

They had lunch next, and that was when they found Barbara Gordon.

As soon as she saw them, she leapt up from her seat and ran over to hug them. "Ugh!" said Harley in disgust, backing out of the hug immediately. "Don't ever do that again."

Ignoring that, Babs began gushing a long stream of words. "Oh my god, I knew you guys would come. I knew you would figure out where I was. I was so worried my first night here, and the thought that you two would come for me was all that got me through. And then in group therapy I talked about how I was sure someone would come for me but everyone said I was delusional and I was like 'No really, you don't understand, I know Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy,' and then everyone laughed because they didn't believe me because of course I can't tell them who I really am. No one here has figured out that I'm Batgirl _or_ that the Commissioner is my dad."

"That's really good news," chimed in Ivy when Babs paused to take a breath. "They'd rip you limb from limb."

"I know, but the only reason they don't know is because Bane hasn't been here for a while, but now he's back and I know he wants to use me as a hostage to make my dad do what he wants. It's only a matter of time before the prisoners learn who I am."

"Then we got here just in time," said Harley. "Where's your bunk?" Barbara pointed it out, and Harley showed her where she and Ivy were staying. "Listen, meet us at midnight over there by the latrines, and be ready to back us up if there's fighting."

Barbara made an excited squeal and bounced on her toes. "Oh, this is so great! I knew you'd have a plan. I'm just so happy to see you both!"

"Alright, simmer down," said Ivy irritably. "Let's take it down by like two thousand notches. It's not a big deal."

"It totally is a big deal. I knew you weren't bad guys," Barbara insisted.

Harley rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, please shut up before we decide to leave you in this pit to rot."

After lunch Harley and Ivy were thrown into a group therapy session led by Bane himself while Babs had to shuffle off to a woodworking class. Ivy let her mind drift as another inmate shared a deeply personal and upsetting story involving his father, a puppy, and a machete. But her attention snapped back at the sound of her own name.

"Your turn, Ivy," said Bane. "What would you like to share with us today? And remember, this is a safe space. We're all murderers here, so no judgement."

"I don't have anything to share," said Ivy shortly, her arms and legs crossed in a defensive posture.

"The rules are that you have to share," Bane insisted. "Why don't you tell everyone how your wedding was a miserable failure. That ought to be fresh on your mind, right?"

Ivy glared at him. "I really don't like you, you know."

"Now now," said Bane soothingly. "There's no need to get aggressive. We're all here to help. Spill your guts, Ivy. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You are welcome to keep your actual guts within the confines of your own body."

Sighing in defeat, Ivy said hurriedly: "I was going to marry Kiteman, Commissioner Gordon busted the wedding, Kiteman bailed and now I'm with Harley. End of story."

"You bounced to a new relationship as soon as your last one failed?" asked another inmate incredulously. "What is she, a rebound?"

"No, of course not," said Ivy grumpily. "We for real love each other and it's great. Don't make a thing of it."

"Oh, I get it," said a woman on the other side of the circle of prisoners. "You cheated on your fiance, didn't you? That's why Gotham City got an X-rated glance at you two going at it a while back. Dr. Psycho was fucking with you and decided to show your fiance."

"Man, that is one astute B," said Harley quietly.

"Fine. Yes, okay? I cheated on Kiteman with Harley. And before you jump down my throat about it, I feel very shitty about it and I really don't appreciate having it thrown in my face."

Bane raised a hand to stop the chatter that had erupted. "No one is jumping down throats or throwing things in faces," he said. "We are merely a sounding board to help you get to your own truth."

"If I may cut in here," said Harley, "I think what Ivy is trying to say is that she knows what she did was wrong."

The female inmate who had spoken earlier leaned forward on her chair and asked: "You're a part of this, too, Quinn. What are your thoughts on this topic?"

Holding up her hands in capitulation, Harley said, "Hey, all I know is that I love Ivy, and I'm here to support her however she needs."

"So you must have been in love with her even as she was planning to marry another," observed Bane thoughtfully. "Which means it's not just Kiteman who was hurt by Ivy's actions."

Ivy leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. "I hate this so much," she said, her voice muffled.

Reaching over and gently taking one of Ivy's hands, Harley said, "It's true that I went through hell trying to be the supportive best friend and maid of honor, all the while knowing that the day was coming when I'd have to watch her give herself to someone else. But what I want to say to you, Ive, is that I forgive you."

Slowly, gradually, Ivy raised her eyes to meet Harley's. Tears were building in them, making them waver in the dim light of the pit.

"I really, really do," continued Harley passionately. "Because I know that you never meant to hurt anyone. You were only trying to do what you thought was safest. You were protecting yourself against a risk - the risk of losing something important that would be too devastating to overcome, and that's okay. You have a right to do that."

A general murmur of agreement went around the group.

"Excellent point, Harley," said Bane. "Self preservation is a human right. That's why they created 'Stand Your Ground' laws, although if you ask me some people interpret those laws far too broadly."

"I agree with that," said Ivy, her voice rough with tears. She smiled at Harley, who smiled back. "I'm really sorry, Harley. Will you let me make it up to you?"

"As soon as we get out of this pit, absolutely," responded Harley.

"Err, you might want to start sooner," said Bane awkwardly, "seeing as you're going to die in the pit."

"After the pit," Ivy said in agreement with Harley. "And I'll talk to Kiteman, too. As soon as we get back to Gotham City I'll go see him."

"Again, you are never getting out of the pit," Bane interjected.

"I think that's the right thing to do. It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it to clear your head," said Harley.

"Can you even hear me when I am talking?" said Bane weakly.

Dinner was a largely solemn affair, with Ivy poking her food around on her plate more than actually eating it. Harley knew she must still be feeling down on herself after the intense therapy session, and she could barely wait until lights out so she would have an opportunity to offer comfort. As they were sitting at the table, Barbara walked by and winked, hissing rather loudly in a voice she clearly thought was covert but was totally wrong about: " _Midnight_."

"Jesus, yell it for the whole damn prison to hear, why don't you?" replied Harley.

"Sorry," Babs said, actually lowering her voice this time. "This is all just so exciting. Prison break!"

"Oh my god, what are you, twelve?" Harley groaned. "Go eat with your cellmates. We'll paint each other's fingernails and do girl talk later."

"You know, you can act like a mean old grump all you want," said Barbara coyly, "but it won't work on me. I know you like me. That's why you're down here."

"Thanks for giving me permission to act like a grump. Now fuck off, willya?" said Harley, shooing her away like a fly. Once she was gone, she turned to Ivy with genuine surprise on her face. "How did she know?"

"She knows how loyal you are to your friends," said Ivy. "She's seen you do similarly crazy stunts like the one we're pulling now to help out the people you care about. That's why she thinks you're a good guy, too." Left unspoken in this explanation was that those particular attributes of Harley's personality _were_ admirable. At the very least they indicated that she had a moral compass, even if she didn't always check which direction the needle was pointing.

"Oh," said Harley, looking down at her plate and blushing.

When lights out came they went to their little nook where they had been assigned bunk beds. Harley sat on the bottom bunk, and when Ivy made to climb up onto the top, she reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her down to sit beside her. "Ooh, you're a bad girl, Harley Quinn," said Ivy, a mischievous smile on her lips. "Aren't you worried we'll get caught?"

"We're only gonna be here another three hours or so. I'll take my chances." They snuggled up under the blanket together, Harley wrapping herself around Ivy from behind. "I've never been the big spoon before," she commented, slipping a hand under Ivy's shirt to rest against her warm skin.

"Cold hands," hissed Ivy, shrinking away from the touch over-so-slightly. After a short time they warmed up, and she relaxed against Harley behind her. "I once had a boyfriend who liked to be spooned. He called it wearing a jetpack, I guess because it sounded more macho."

"Huh. You know, that is a little more macho. Can we call it that, too?"

"Afraid not," said Ivy sleepily. "I'm done with macho for a long, long time, thank you very much."

As she felt Ivy drift off in her arms, Harley decided she liked being the big spoon. Ivy spent so much of her time and energy building up walls and presenting a cold, distant front to the rest of the world that it made it all the more special when she let her guard down for Harley. Even though Ivy was sleeping, Harley felt closer to her at that moment than she'd ever felt to another human being. She closed her eyes and buried her face in fire-red hair, content to lay there until it was almost time to make their moves towards escape.

When the moon got high enough in the sky, she gently roused Ivy and they crept out of their little nook towards the latrines. They found Barbara already there waiting for them. "Hi!" she whispered. "What do you need me to do?"

"Nothing," replied Harley. "We just have to wait for-"

She stopped talking abruptly when big, bright lights turned on all around them, placing them in the spotlight. All three women raised their arms to shield their eyes, blinking rapidly as their pupils adjusted. A large, hulking someone stepped forward from behind the floodlights. If she were being honest with herself, Harley would have to admit that Bane had never looked more menacing than he did at that moment.

"I had a hunch you'd make an escape attempt, and it looks like I was right," Bane said, putting his hands on his hips. "I'm very disappointed. I thought we'd made so much progress since you got here."

"I know, buddy," said Harley. "I'm real sorry we gotta split, but you didn't honestly think we were gonna die in this pit, did ya? I'm Harley fuckin' Quinn!"

"No one escapes from the pit!" roared Bane, activating his muscle enhancers. Behind him, several of his henchmen did the same. "You're going to be Harley _dead_ fuckin' Quinn when I'm done with you!"

"What? That's not a thing," said Ivy.

"I AM NOT GOOD AT BANTER!" Infuriated, Bane charged towards the three women, who immediately leapt out of his way. Within seconds they were swarmed by huge, muscly men and women, and the pit was filled with the sounds of fighting.

"Where the fuck is Batman?!" yelled Ivy to Harley as she punched a henchman in the stomach as hard as she could. The henchmen doubled over and began coughing up blood, but he was immediately replaced by two more men.

As she leapt into the air and kicked an enormous woman on the side of her head, Harley shot back: "He's late! I'll kill him too after I'm done with these assholes!"

"Batman's coming?" Barbara asked as she backflipped out of the way of a henchman who was swinging a crowbar at her.

"He was supposed to be here by now." Harley ducked under Bane's flying fist, making him hit the wall of the pit so hard that dirt and rocks fell from higher up. Looking up to avoid the falling debris, Harley spotted a streak of light in the sky above. "There!" she cried, pointing at the light.

Everyone involved with the fight paused to look where she had pointed. At the top of the pit came a ringing, metallic sound - something was falling down into the pit and making a racket along the walls as it went.

Only Harley immediately understood. She grinned devilishly as she reached up and caught the red and black baseball bat in both hands and raised it above her head. Advancing on Bane with renewed confidence, she taunted: "Bring it, _bitch_!"

The fight resumed, except this time Harley was in control. It seemed like she was everywhere at once. Whenever Ivy or Barbara tried to engage someone, Harley was already there beating the living shit out of them with her beloved bat. "Jeeze, leave some for the rest of us, huh?" complained Barbara.

The streak of light went by overhead again. This time hundreds of tiny somethings made little pitter-patter noises as they rained down into the pit. "Sorry, babe," said Ivy, raising her hands into the air. "We're basically done here." When she dropped her arms, all the tiny seeds the Batplane had just dropped burst into thorny vines, gruesomely skewering every last prison guard in sight and instantly bringing about an abrupt and gory end to the fight.

Barbara went pale and leaned against the wall of the pit. "Oh, my," she said.

"Anyone else want out of this literal hellhole?" Ivy called out to the rest of the prisoners, who had all been awoken by the commotion. "Go now or forever hold your peace." The vines threaded themselves along the walls of the pit like netting, and prisoners began the easy climb back to the surface, cheering and chanting Ivy's name as they went.

Ignoring all the chaos around them, Harley crouched on the ground next to the badly-beaten Bane. "Do you want me to kill you?" she asked seriously.

Bloody, bruised and panting, Bane gave it careful thought. "No, I guess not," he said at length.

"You gotta let this pit shit go, man. And you gotta leave me and Ivy and Batgirl alone."

"Okay," said Bane. He forced himself into a sitting position, putting his back against the wall. "You and Ivy are my best friends."

"Jesus," said Ivy, working hard to keep the disgust out of her face and voice.

"Can we pull a heist together some time?" he asked. "Just the three of us?"

Harley managed a smile. "Sure, buddy. Some time."

"Great. See you around, then." Then he closed his eyes and passed out.

"I'm sure he'll be fine. Let's go," said Harley to Ivy hastily, and she began climbing the vines.

"You okay there, kiddo?" Ivy asked, looking down at Babs who was still surveying the scene with disbelief.

Pushing off from the wall, Babs said, "You two… are not good guys."

"There it is," said Ivy. "I knew she'd come around eventually."


	5. To Know You is to Love You

"You sure took your sweet time getting here," Harley yelled angrily at Batman as the glass dome on the Batplane lifted. "We almost got our asses kicked even deeper into the ground."

"My fault," said Jim Gordon as he leapt out of the plane and landed in the dirt. "Couldn't figure out the damn latch on the window to drop the stuff out of the plane."

"Nice aim, though," Harley said. "Really hit a hole in one."

"Thanks," replied Jim awkwardly. They'd never had an exchange this pleasant before. "Where's Barbara?"

Just then Ivy climbed over the lip of the pit, followed closely by Barbara. "Dad!" she cried, and she threw herself into his arms.

"Oh, thank god," said Jim, enclosing her in a tight embrace. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, thanks to these two. They made sure to protect me during the fight."

"You fought?" asked Batman suspiciously, glaring pointedly at Harley. "I was told that no fighting would be required."

Harley waved her hand through the air dismissively. "Eh, deep down you musta known I was full of shit, otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to drop my bat down for me. I mean, come on, you didn't really believe it was for ' _just in case_ ,'" she put air quotes around the words, "did ya?"

"Hmm," grunted Batman in a noncommittal way. "Did you leave anyone alive?"

"Just Bane," responded Harley.

Ivy added: "But you're welcome to go kill him if you want. Honestly you'd be doing us a favor; the guy thinks we're friends."

Batman sighed. "And all these other prisoners? What am I supposed to do, let them walk away?" He gestured to the steady stream of escaping inmates, who were scattering in every direction as they fled.

"None of them had a _real_ trial," said Harley suavely. "Isn't justice supposed to be, like, your _thing_?"

"Yeah, they were all tried by the esteemed D.A. Harvey Dent, asshole-at-law," said Ivy. "Are you really going to deny them their right to due process?"

"You slippery bitches," said Gordon. "Always trying to squirm your way out of accepting responsibility for your own actions."

"That is so not true!" protested Harley. Then, after a brief pause: "...Anymore."

"Look, why don't you just tell us if we're under arrest or not so we can get on with our lives. Can we go home now or do we need to break out of Arkham again first?" asked Ivy wearily.

Gordon frowned at them, his mustache quivering.

"Dad," said Barbara quietly, and he looked down at her. "I understand where you're coming from. I did just see them kill like nine people. But they were bad guys, and they were trying to kill us. Maybe their methods are a little extreme, but I think that in terms of Gotham City standards, we've got bigger fish to fry."

Crossing his arms, Batman said, "They did come to me as soon as they heard you'd gone missing. That was a pretty big risk, and there was no reason or reward for them to do it."

"And then they let themselves get thrown in the pit to save me," Barbara said, "even though they knew exactly how horrible it is down there."

As this discussion was going on, Harley sat down cross-legged in the dirt and rested her chin in her hand. "Man, I'm pooped," she said to Ivy. "How much longer do you think this is gonna go on?"

Ivy put her hands on her hips and shrugged. "You know how it is. They always have to make everything so complicated."

"Hey, c'mere for a sec," said Harley, reaching up to tug on one of Ivy's hands. Once Ivy had sat beside her, she leaned over and kissed her. "Mmm," she hummed afterwards. "Just as good as it was the first time."

Amused, Ivy said, "Feeling nostalgic?"

"No, definitely not. But I wanted to do it so that we could both reflect on how far we've come since then. We're not confused or freaked out any more. Everything is so much more awesome these days."

"Yeah, we're definitely living our best lives now."

Their attention was drawn back to the other conversation when Jim grudgingly said, "Fine. They can go home. I'll call off the bounties on them."

"Great!" said Harley, hopping to her feet and offering her hand to Ivy to help her up. "Can we get a ride back, like maybe right now?"

It was a little cramped in the Batplane with five people but they made it work, mostly because Harley had absolutely no qualms about invading every single inch of Ivy's personal space. As they flew back to Gotham at nearly top speed, she put a hand on Ivy's knee and gradually moved it closer and closer towards her crotch until finally Ivy grabbed it with her own. But Harley could tell that she was holding back a smile as she gave her a look that clearly meant: " _Later_."

Batman landed the plane outside the Dead Mall and Harley and Ivy hopped out. "Thanks for the lift, Bats. Be seein' ya," said Harley, and she and Ivy started to head inside.

"Wait!" Barbara jumped out of the plane and ran to catch up with them. "I never thanked you for helping me. Without you, who knows what Bane would have done."

"Or what repressed memories he would have helped you dredge up," quipped Ivy sarcastically.

"Yeah, maybe," said Barbara with a nervous laugh. "Listen, I know you'll never be heroes in the traditional sense of the word, but I still don't believe you're evil, either. I think if you keep your noses somewhat clean from now on, there's a definite place for you in Gotham City."

"You don't get it. It's not about which side we're on. We take down whoever it's necessary for us to take down," said Harley defiantly. "It just so happens that recently the only people who have pissed us off were bad guys. Maybe tomorrow Wonder Woman will be standing in my way, and don't think I won't take her down, too."

"I'm sure she feels the same way, which is exactly my point," said Babs. "What I'm trying to say is that maybe you should choose your battles so that you won't end up pissing off any good guys. There are plenty of people in Gotham who deserve to get their butts kicked the way you kicked Bane's today. And since most of the good guys in the city aren't jerks, you're going to end up fighting the bad guys pretty much every time. With a little discretion, you could be a great asset to Gotham." She started walking backwards towards the Batplane. "Just something to think about. Bye!" Then she turned and hurried back to the plane, where her father gave her a hand in getting back on.

Harley and Ivy stood watching the plane until they lost sight of it among the buildings of the city before resuming their walk inside. "That was interesting," mused Ivy.

"Yep," said Harley.

As soon as they entered the Dead Mall, they found themselves engulfed in an unpleasantly gooey hug from Clayface. "There you are!" he cried. "We've been ever so worried!"

"Yeah," said King Shark. "We've been looking everywhere for you!"

"You don't write, you don't call… Where have you been, young ladies?" Clayface scolded them.

"We thought you were dead!" added King Shark.

" _What_?" said Harley incredulously. "Didn't you get my message?"

"What message?" asked Clayface.

"The rose!"

Her crew members stared at her blankly.

"On the clock!" she clarified. "Right there!" She pointed to the red and black rose she had left on top of the clock a few days ago. It was hard to believe it had only been a couple of days since then. It felt like much longer.

Turning to look at the rose, King Shark scratched his head. "Hasn't that always been there?"

Harley stamped her foot. "No! I snuck in here and put it there before we left town. I can't believe you didn't notice it." She shook her head. "We need to come up with some kind of system for shit like this."

"But you haven't answered my question," interjected Clayface. " _Where_ have you been?"

"All over the place," said Harley. "Look, can we talk about this in the morning? We're beat. C'mon, Ive, let's go to bed."

"The _same_ bed?" asked Clayface pointedly, giving them an exaggerated wink.

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Yes, the same bed. And we'll probably be naked, so fucking knock before entering, okay? And that goes for forever. Every time from now on, knock first. Got it? Great. Good night." She stalked up the stairs.

Harley followed after her, grumbling, "I can't believe they didn't fucking notice."

The next afternoon, Ivy left the Dead Mall and took a cab to Kiteman's shabby apartment building. She still had her key, so she let herself in the outer door and walked up the stairs. She paused outside the door to apartment 66, looking at the upside-down number and feeling a pang of regret. If only she'd been brave like Harley, so much pain could have been avoided. Taking a deep breath, she raised her fist and knocked on the door.

It opened to reveal Kiteman in his bathrobe, several days' worth of stubble growing on his face. He didn't say anything.

"Hey, Chuck," said Ivy timidly. "Is it okay if I come in?" Wordlessly, Kiteman stood aside and Ivy walked past him into the apartment. She stood in the middle of the living room and forced herself to look at him. "I won't ask you how you are. I know how patronizing that would be. And I know it's cliche, but I really am sorry about everything that happened. I was… stupid, and I was cowardly. I was trying to ignore something that I should have known was too big to ignore. I… I used you, you know? I was using you to avoid a thing, and I shouldn't have done that. It was cruel."

"Well," said Kiteman hoarsely, "you are a supervillain, after all."

"Yeah," said Ivy sadly. "Yeah, I guess I am."

He understood how significant it was that she admitted that. So many times he had heard her reject the nomenclature of being called a villain, saying that because her intention to protect the environment was a good thing, that meant she didn't meet the requirements for that label. Hearing her accept the title now helped him a little, because at least it meant she was well aware that nothing about her intentions as far as their relationship was concerned could be considered "a good thing."

"I guess you want your plants back, huh?" Kiteman said, turning away from her and heading to the balcony where the plants had been placed. "I got them all set up for you. Had a feeling you'd be back for them soon."

"Thanks," said Ivy. There were only two small pots, both rare flowers used for a special kind of poison when mixed with her saliva, but they made a tasty addition to recipes when mixed with food.

"You should take the crock pot, too," said Kiteman. "Your chilli recipes were always better, and I always miss a spot when I clean it."

"Oh, no, I couldn't. You keep it. It should stay with you."

"No, Pam, I insist. Take it."

Ivy sighed. "Look, in the interest of not keeping secrets from you any more, I never really liked chilli all that much. I only ate it because you loved it."

Kiteman stared at her in disbelief. He shook his head and said, "Jesus, Ivy, did I ever really know you at all?"

Blinking back tears, Ivy admitted: "No, not really."

" _Fuuuuck_ me," sighed Kiteman, rubbing his face with both hands. "That falls under 'insult to injury' in my book."

"I'm sorry," Ivy said again. "I really am. But maybe someday we could actually get to know each other, you know? Maybe we could be friends."

"Are you with Harley now?" he asked abruptly.

"Yes," replied Ivy firmly. "Probably until one of us dies."

Kiteman shook his head and said gravely: "Can't do friends, then. Sorry. Maybe I didn't know you, but you knew me. It's not really fair to tell me I have to do all the work all over again. I'm done doing things over and over for you, remember?"

This hit Ivy hard. She looked away, trying to swallow around a massive lump in her throat. "Okay," she managed to say. She picked up her plants and went to the door, where she turned to look at him one last time. "Then, I guess… Bye."

"Bye," replied Kiteman sadly.

Ivy placed her key on the table by the door and let herself out of the apartment.

Outside on the street, she leaned against the building and tried to get her bearings. The last thing she wanted was to be seen walking around in public crying. She didn't want anyone to talk to her or ask her what was wrong. The only thing she wanted was to get home to Harley.

But for some reason even that felt like it wasn't going to help, and after some introspection she understood why. Kiteman wasn't willing to forgive her, but Harley was. And that was an incredible gift that she definitely did not deserve. She thought about what she'd said in the pit and decided that she was going to make it up to Harley starting tonight. Now sure in her actions, she marched off towards downtown with clear purpose. She had a few things to purchase and prepare if she wanted to pull this off.

Back at the Dead Mall, Harley was lounging on the couch watching the news with Clayface and King Shark. "Good evening, Gotham City. I'm Aribella Areola and this is _Action News._ Tonight's top story: General chaos and looting in West Gotham."

"Oooh," said Harley with interest, straightening up and paying closer attention.

"Just twenty minutes ago, rioters and criminals swarmed the shopping district of West Gotham. Among them are some of the biggest names in the criminal underworld: Two Face, Joker, and Bane, who appears to have been badly beaten very recently."

The footage switched to a field reporter and Bane, who looked just as bad as he had when Harley had left him in the pit. "Mister Bane," said the reporter, "what happened to you?"

"Harley _fucking_ Quinn happened to me!" Bane replied, leaning down so that the reporter could put the microphone in front of his face.

Harley let out a whoop of triumph and pumped her fist in the air. "Fuck yeah!" she yelled. "Name dropped on live TV!"

"Congratulations!" said Clayface, clapping his hands together. "How very exciting!"

"I don't blame her though," Bane was saying on the television. "It was an appropriate reaction to the situation we were in."

Then the program flipped back to the reporter in the studio. "No word yet on what these criminals want. Eyewitnesses report that they mostly seem to be doing it for fun."

"That does look pretty fun," admitted King Shark. "Maybe we should go down there, too."

"Yes, if there's going to be looting, I could use a few props for some characters I've been working on," said Clayface theatrically. "What do you say, Harley? Are you 'down to clown,' as the kids say these days?"

"I do _not_ think that means what you think it means," said King Shark, shaking his head.

For a moment, Harley really almost said yes. All she could think about was how fun it would be to cause general mayhem in downtown Gotham, stealing and smashing private property and hitting people with her baseball bat and maybe even setting a few fires. That was her idea of a _damn_ good time.

But then she thought about Ivy, and about how she had gone to talk to Kiteman and would be back soon, and the thought of Ivy walking in and finding her not home after having faced what was undoubtedly a highly unpleasant situation was too much to bear. And then she imagined spending the rest of the night with Ivy, just the two of them, and suddenly going downtown didn't seem that fun at all in comparison.

"You know what, why don't you two go ahead. I'm gonna stay here and wait for Ivy," she said.

"Are you sure?" asked Clayface.

"Absolutely. Have fun. Don't get caught. Destroy some good shit for me, okay?"

As her two crew members headed out they discussed what they were each planning on stealing, and Harley smiled affectionately at them. Just because she was trying to turn over a new leaf didn't mean she had to force that on them. She was pleased with her decision, but impatient for Ivy to return. It had already been way longer than she'd expected her to be gone. Wondering if she had missed a text message, Harley picked up her phone from the coffee table in front of her. Right at that moment, a text message from Ivy came in and she opened it eagerly.

"Downtown is hella on fire," Ivy wrote. "Are you going to that?"

"No," Harley wrote back. "Clayface and King Shark went but I'm still at home."

"Cool. In that case, put on something nice and meet me on the roof."

A huge grin split Harley's face. She leapt to her feet and bounded up the stairs to her bedroom, undoing her pigtails as she went. She put on the red and black dress she had worn to the bar where Joker had worked when he had turned normal again, checked her hair and makeup in the mirror, and then hurried up to the top of the building.

It was a beautiful night with a great big silvery moon hanging in the sky, and even from here she could hear the distant sound of gunfire and police sirens from downtown. But Harley hardly noticed any of that, because all she could focus on was Ivy, who had set up a small table with a lit candle in the center and two plates covered by cloches. Ivy was standing there pouring wine into two glasses, and she was wearing a black dress that looked so good on her that it made Harley's knees go weak to look at her.

When she noticed that she was no longer alone, Ivy set the bottle down and said awkwardly: "Okay, so, I know it's stupid, but I realized we've technically never been on a real date. I guess when you fall in love with your best friend those traditional little tidbits kinda get lost in the shuffle. We get to skip that whole uncomfortable getting-to-know-you phase, and while I'm definitely not complaining about that, it does mean I didn't get a whole bunch of opportunities to impress you with sweeping romantic gestures. And I barely ever get to see you all dressed up."

"Do you want me to dress up more?" asked Harley, completely smitten and lovesick. She felt warm and fuzzy inside over the gesture Ivy was making. "I hate wearing skirts - they make me feel like I'm wearin' a really restrictive costume - but I'd wear one every day if that's what you wanted me to do."

"No," said Ivy, stepping closer to her and taking her hands in her own. "I don't want you to do anything other than whatever the hell you want to do, or be anything other than what you are. I love _you_ , Harley, exactly the way you are."

"The same goes for me. Falling for you was the most natural thing in the world. How could I not love you, knowing you as well as I do?"

"You do know me," said Ivy. "Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. And that's a really big deal for me. I went and saw Kiteman today, and he made me realize that I never truly shared myself with him. Not like I do with you. I could never hope to feel as close to him - or _anyone_ , really - as I do to you. You may not realize it, but you carry a piece of me inside of you. I thought I was keeping that piece safe by being with Kiteman, but now I see you've had it all along."

"Yeah?" said Harley, smiling at her. "Well, guess what? You can't have it back. I'm keeping it. I am officially calling dibs. But don't worry, I'll keep it nice and safe for ya."

"I know you will," said Ivy softly.

"And I'll try to deserve it. I don't understand how I got so lucky, but I've got something no one else does, and I need to be the kind of person who is worthy of it - worthy of _you_. Even if it means passing up opportunities to smash things with my bat for no reason or giving up stealing top-secret chemical weapons from military bases-"

"Wait, what?" interjected Ivy quickly.

"-I promise I'm gonna make you proud," finished Harley.

"I already am proud of you, Harls. I have every confidence that you are going to figure out your place in this fucked up city. And when you do, I'll be there to back you up like always. I know it took a long time for me to figure out my shit, and part of me is still scared this will all crash and burn in a spectacular dumpster fire, but I know now that this thing with you is right, no matter how big a risk it is."

"Nobody's crashing and burning in any dumpsters, alright? Because you're my endgame, Ivy. Whatever I do next is an insignificant detail, because right here, right now, I already have the only thing I've ever truly wanted."

Raising herself up on her toes, Harley kissed Ivy softly and slowly. She tried to infuse in the kiss all her love and all her joy. She still couldn't quite get over the fact that Ivy was finally hers, but the way that Ivy kissed her back with just as much love and happiness was incredibly convincing. She couldn't help but marvel in the way being with Ivy made her feel. Her whole life she had been running from place to place, restless and uncertain of anything. But here with Ivy, she felt perfectly calm and still, as though she had finally reached her destination after a lifetime of wandering aimlessly.

They didn't quite pull apart afterwards. Instead they lingered with their foreheads pressed together, just basking in their closeness. The sirens from the chaos in the city below them were louder now, and there was the noticeable addition of fire trucks among the sounds. But to the two women on the rooftop the cacophony of sound was like a fine orchestra, and they began to sway together, dancing in the silvery moonlight as the bedlam below washed around them unnoticed.

***

As he flew the Batplane over the Dead Mall towards downtown, Batman spotted Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy dancing on the rooftop, seemingly oblivious to the frenzy going on in Gotham. He was surprised to see them there; he had expected to find Quinn raising hell with the rest of the criminal element in the city. He would have guessed that stealing and property damage would be her idea of a fun night on the town.

But she wasn't out there burning down the city. Instead she was at home, having what appeared to be a harmless date night with Ivy.

"Huh," he said out loud to his empty plane. "Maybe she really _can_ change."

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it, folks.
> 
> This was pretty fun to write. I don't often actively attempt to include humor in my stories, although it usually slips in one way or another. I don't know how well the lolz came across in this fic though - a lot of it was probably funnier in my head. But still, I'm happy with how it turned out and I hope this fic will help some of you get through the uncertainty of waiting for a season 3 announcement. #RenewHarleyQuinn, bitches.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Have a nice life.


End file.
